


Hold on to Each Other

by serohtonin



Series: The Long Grift [4]
Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Angst, Beards (Relationships), Closeted Character, Emotional Infidelity, Frottage, Infidelity, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 09:24:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4559346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serohtonin/pseuds/serohtonin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darren continues to play the fame game, much to Chris' chagrin. Meanwhile, Chris has a confession. Can their budding relationship survive these threats?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold on to Each Other

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't claim any of the relationships depicted herein or the description of Darren's sexuality to be the truth. Though some of the events actually took place, the plotline is completely a product of my imagination. I also don't own the rights to anything or anyone mentioned in this fic. Title taken from a lyric in ["Midnight Radio"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39HYIS2dgNg) from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

A fully naked Chris drapes himself over Darren's body, their legs tangling together.

"Morning," Chris greets him.

"Hey you," Darren says, also naked; he strains up for a quick peck that soon grows deeper when he cups Chris' jaw and slips his tongue in Chris' mouth. Chris presses his chest to Darren's own, the warm weight of him so welcome after months of deprivation. Chris grasps Darren's free hand, anchoring them together.

"Missed you," Darren adds when they finally break apart. "It's been too long."

Chris lazily grinds against him, his lips brushing newly forming stubble. "Well, someone had to run off to Italy and cut our reunion short."

"Mmm," Darren murmurs, the hand on Chris' jaw trailing over his neck and down his back. "I do remember someone else having to run off to Los Angeles to finish promoting a book."

"Fair enough." Chris chuckles and pulls back, his blue green eyes softly meeting Darren's own. "For the record, I missed you too."

Darren sighs. "I wish you could've been there, baby."

"I will be, soon. Besides, you got to hang out on a boat with the beautiful people."

"You mean my stylist and my fake girlfriend?" Darren raises an eyebrow at him. "There's nowhere I'd rather be than with you, even if I did look good that day."

"You did." Chris hums his agreement into Darren's neck. "Although I could only appreciate your bathing suit and suntan from afar."

"You can appreciate at least one of those things now," he manages before Chris starts sucking on his neck and rolling his hips in earnest. 

"Oh, ohh," Darren grunts, his hands falling away from Chris.

Then he feels light scratching right above his belly button that gets rougher and rougher until it's just shy of painful and--

"Ahh!" He exclaims, blinking awake to a familiar brunette obscuring the bright sun above him.

"You okay, babe? You fell asleep there for a bit." Mia tries a sweet smile and rests her palm against his chest.

He swallows hard, his eyes glancing up to the sky and away from her face. "I--I'm good," he lies. "Are we still on the boat?"

"Yeah, we've been catching the sun out here for a few hours now. You were having a pretty good dream there. Thought you might want to wake up and maybe, um, realize it or something," she ends lamely with a hint of flirtation, her manicured fingers dancing up his chest and tickling him.

He grimaces and thinks of Chris in her position instead, pinning him down with strong hands and owning him like no one else can. "No thanks. You know we're not really dating, right?"

"Doesn't mean we can't enjoy ourselves." She takes off her sunglasses and shakes her head, her long brown hair blowing in the slight breeze. "We've mixed business with pleasure before. C'mon, Dare."

"I'm not in the mood. I have to be on set early tomorrow."

"Really? 'Cause your dick seems pretty interested." She slips her hand down Darren's bare chest, reaching lower to where he's still mildly aroused from his dream.

But he catches her wrist. "Yeah, well, ignore him. I'm not. Why don't you go back to sunbathing with Ashley?" He asks, referring to the chick who dresses him that's also somewhere on the boat with them. "You can make out with her. You two are like besties or whatever, right?" 

"Weston?" She scoffs. "We trade stories about the woes of womanhood on our good days. That's it. And she has a boyfriend."

"So? Wouldn't stop you," Darren remarks snidely, pushing her away.

"Now you're being mean." She frowns and kneels next to him. "What is wrong with you? You used to be fun."

"I hate to break it to you but I actually have to be responsible now." _And faithful,_ he thinks, because there's no way he's going to lose Chris for a dumb mistake.

"I'm offering you free sex. No strings. We don't even have to cuddle after."

He grits his teeth. "No strings, my ass. You got to fly here and spend time in the fucking Mediterranean on a boat, all because of some bullshit image I'm supposed to keep up. You are the string, darling," he explains sharply. "The string that I have attached to me everywhere I go. The price I pay for getting to play the roles I want."

"You're acting like being with me is some sacrifice. Guess what, honey? You agreed to it ages ago."

"Yeah and I can't back out of it now so stay away from me."

Her eyebrows draw together. "Why are you changing your mind all of a sudden? What the hell happened?"

"I'm clearer about what I want. That's what happened," he states matter of factly.

She cocks her head to the side and groans. "Tell me this isn't about who I think it's about."

Darren had casually told her about Chris a couple of years ago when he was waffling between the two of them. He assured her that Chris meant nothing to him and their relationship would probably run its course at some point, though he soon realized that wasn't the case.

He still regrets that time in his life. That feeling, however, quickly dissipates when he remembers Chris underneath him less than a month ago, beaming with affection.

"It is," Darren finally says, longing to have that perfect moment back again.

"Isn't he seeing someone?" She dramatically pouts her full pink lips at him and pats his cheek. "Oh, Darren, why do you always want what you can't have?"

"Fuck you. You don't know the whole story. I'm fucking ecstatic about my life for once and I'm not letting you shit on it."

"I'm afraid I'll have to a little bit, babe." She leans in closer, fixing her gaze on him. "I bet you there are cameras somewhere per your management. Why don't we at least pretend to play nice? We should kiss and make up after that little lover's spat."

After quickly looking away from her dark brown eyes, he studies the curve of her breast that leads down to a tiny waist and tantalizing hips; she really is beautiful and in a world where his heart didn't lie a continent away, he would still be all over her like he used to be. His body betrays him, arousal stirring low in his groin.

He distracts himself by searching their surroundings; sure enough there's a boat parked a few hundred feet away with a long lens sticking out from the lower deck. So he steels himself and begrudgingly goes along with her plan. 

She puckers her lips and when they meet his, it feels all wrong, despite his body telling him otherwise. He tastes sticky lip gloss and wine as she presses her chest against him and tries to plunge her tongue into his mouth.

He resists and breaks away, his stomach turning as he swallows.

"I'm doing this for you, remember?" She reminds him. "I'll still be here when your fantasy of a relationship comes crashing down around you."

He barely restrains a wry laugh, knowing that she gains just as much if not more than he does by staying involved with him. 

However, part of him does wonder if she's right and he'll screw it up all over again; maybe he already did.

"I--I'm gonna go find some beer," he announces. "See you later."

"Fine," she replies as she rolls away from him and stretches out on the deck, her cleavage spilling out of her bikini top. 

He blushes, ignoring his aching cock and walking toward the cabin of the boat instead. Once inside, he heads to the toilet and doubles over, dry heaving at the thought of what he's done.

He needs to get out of here.

He needs to talk to Chris.

\----

After they dock a few hours later, Darren hangs out at the hotel bar alone, nursing more than a few whiskey sours before he heads up to his room to call Chris.

He answers cheerfully on the second ring.

_"Hey, Dare. What's up?"_

"I love you." He declares solemnly. "You know that, right?"

 _"Yeah, of course. I love you too. What's wrong?"_ Chris asks, voice filled with alarm.

"I--I did something. Please don't be pissed at me."

_"You're scaring me. What's going on?"_

"You know how she's here and I'm trying to figure shit out?"

_"Yeah."_

"But I still have to keep up appearances?"

_"Mhmm. I told you I was okay with that."_

"Well, you shouldn't have to be. It's fucked up. What I did was fucked up."

_"Yeah, it was. Not telling me how you felt for years and then running off to New York was horrible for the both of us. But you came clean and we're good now. I don't care about the rest."_

"That's not what I mean, babe. It's something else." He takes a deep breath. "I was with the girl today and I--I kissed her. I didn't want to but there was a camera and it was only a peck. I'm sorry."

He's met with silence on the other end for a long minute and then an answer of, _"Okay. Fine, if that's all it is."_

Relief floods him. "Really? Are you sure?"

 _"No, I'm not sure at all, Darren,"_ he responds flatly, _"but I can't do anything about it so there's no point in arguing. What you have to do is on you."_

Suddenly the uneasiness he felt earlier returns as he yells at Chris. "Oh, so now it's on me? What about us being in this together?"

_"We're not, not really. This is about you hiding who you are for a little while longer, which isn't all about me, Darren. You have to know that whether you're gay, bi, queer, or whatever, it's been so easy for you to pass. It doesn't work that way for me. I have to be who I am and deal with it every single day."_

"You think lying about us is easy for me? That's it not tearing me apart playing this ridiculous game just to maintain some level of success? I fucking hate it, Chris, and I'd give it up if it meant being with you."

_"Yeah, well I haven't seen you prove it._

"You know it's going to take time for me to do that. You said so yourself."

_"I know but waiting is much more difficult than I imagined, especially when you tell me that you kissed her. You might be playing a role but you're still you, baby."_

"I'm not." He sighs. "I understand what you mean though. Believe me, I'd much rather be kissing you," he tells him, voice lowering as echoes of his dream return. "I miss you so much. I can't stop thinking about you."

 _"I can't stop thinking about you either,"_ Chris returns quietly. _"I'm sorry."_

"Don't be. You have every right to be upset."

_"You do too. Since you've been honest with me, I should be honest with you as well."_

"What? What do you mean?"

_"I love you but I like Will too. I don't want to hurt him."_

"Yeah? And?" Darren prods.

_"I--I'm still kind of with him, Dare. We haven't done anything since I saw you in New York but he's still sleeping in my bed. I don't know how to break up with him."_

Darren's heart sinks and bile rises in his throat. "Are you--? Is this some kind of punishment for how I've handled us because I swear--"

 _"No, no,"_ he assures. _"It's not. He's a good person and he doesn't deserve the way I've treated him."_

"You're damn right. You cheated on him. You're already hurting him. He wouldn't even be in the picture if I got my shit straightened out earlier."

 _"Didn't I just tell you that this isn't about you?"_ Chris snaps.

"It is because this affects me too, Chris. You know exactly how it feels to see the person you love with someone else, don't you?"

 _"I--Yes,"_ Chris affirms shakily.

"Well it's a thousand times worse for me because you actually care about him," Darren continues, wondering if they have a nightly routine they adopted since they've been together. Do they talk about their days? Do they kiss goodnight? Darren knows he would do more than that it if were him. Do they even bother wearing clothes to bed? Darren knows he wouldn't. Does Chris snuggle up to him or does he wait for his boyfriend to curl his arms around him? Darren likes to think it would depend on the day but more often than not, he'd have to reach out first and they would fall asleep like that.

Realizing that there's another person filling such an intimate role in Chris' life tears open a wound that he thought had healed after Chris took him back. It's all Darren's fault that Chris has built such a strong bond with someone else when they should have been building a stronger one with each other. Darren knows he's trying to strengthen that now, though the tether between them seems to be fraying.

_"Like I said, I'm sorry,"_ Chris repeats. _"I need time too, Darren."_

"I love you," he says like a reflex, as if it will solve everything like it had in New York.

_"I love you too."_

"I know," Darren whispers. "I wish I did something about it sooner."

There's a pause so long that Darren thinks he's hung up but then he hears Chris' voice, tinged with heartbreak. 

_"Me too. Goodbye, Darren."_

The call ends when Chris hangs up. Darren considers redialing although he really doesn't know what to say. Instead, he holds onto the phone as if he can keep Chris from slipping away and into another man's embrace.

He's about to shut off his phone altogether and sleep away the beginnings of a hangover when he sees a text notification from his manager:

_Hey, AHS is a go. Still discussing the number of episodes we're willing to do._

Darren slumps his shoulders in resignation, regretting that he even has to consider working with Ryan and Fox again after he's had to compromise so much of himself for them. Still, they essentially skyrocketed him to success and let him write a song that's now a contender for a major award. Plus Darren still has a contract to fulfill; since Fox owns FX, where Ryan's other show is broadcasted, they own Darren as well. As long as Darren has the potential to bring in more money for the company, he's attached to them like an indentured servant paying his debt.

So Darren reluctantly replies:

_Okay. Let me know before you approve anything else._

He throws his phone down on the bed, debating what to do next. After pacing the expansive hotel room with nervous energy, he settles on stripping off his clothes and showering. He scrubs off the layers of himself he's had to wear all day: actor, celebrity, and loving boyfriend to someone he barely gives two shits about. When he's finally clean and his head no longer aches with the weight of everything, he steps out into the bathroom. Then he remembers that no one is there to greet him when he returns to his bed for the night. There's only Mia, awaiting him next door, and Chris, who's half a world away with Will.

His heart breaks all over again.

After he picks up his phone and checks the time, he decides he needs to get away.

He calls the front desk and asks if he can arrange to take a drive. At first they tell him they'll call a driver but he insists that he has a valid license and can drive himself; he only needs a car.

They chat briefly and the concierge assures him that he'll get what he wants as soon as possible.

Darren thanks him profusely in Italian and then he waits. He knows it's dangerous to drive with the swirl of hopelessness and alcohol running through him, especially on a foreign road, but maybe it's exactly what he needs to feel free again.

Soon enough, the concierge calls him back, informing him that his car is ready. He races down excitedly and takes the keys like a teenager borrowing his dad's car for the first time.

The black vehicle looks like an expensive sports car, similar to the Tesla he splurged on with his first major paycheck. He thinks it's a Maserati or a BMW but he doesn't examine it closely enough to be sure. Then he hops into the driver's seat and turns the key. It's a beautiful night and he takes off into the countryside, heading north.

It's difficult to see anything other than the road ahead but it doesn't matter anyway. He only passes a few cars and keeps driving until he sees a sign that tells him he's arrived in Switzerland. He laughs at the irony of being in a country that claims neutrality when he's never been able to choose that for himself. He can't enjoy performing simply for its own sake anymore because the business of fame is a war he's forced to fight. The image he created to bring him here is destroying his relationship with Chris before it's even had a chance to bloom.

He shakes these thoughts away and drives on, reaching yet another border and passing into Germany. He speeds up, the world reduced to nothing but his steering wheel and the road ahead. He's alone in the dark shelter of a car, where no one knows who he is or where he is for once. He's not the Darren who has to smile for everyone and sign autographs, nor the one who has to agree to participate in projects he really doesn't want to do. He glances over to his side view mirror and then quickly to the rear view mirror before he switches lanes. He catches sight of his empty passenger seat and slows down, realizing he's also not a version of himself where Chris can be by his side through it all.

He continues driving, longing for their situation to improve. He can't change the past or control what Chris will do next. He only knows that he loves Chris and Chris loves him. Maybe it really can be enough.

But nature must not be on his side because drizzle hits the windshield, deflating his hopes. He scrolls through the music library on his phone, looking for a distraction. Instead he's drawn to Frank Ocean and clicks on a [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7qwdHsr2tM) near the beginning of his Channel Orange album, the lyrics echoing the rain that's now rhythmically tapping a louder beat against the metal and glass.

_"My eyes don't shed tears, but, boy, they pour, when I'm thinkin' 'bout ya, ooh no no no. I've been thinkin' 'bout ya, you know know know. I've been thinkin' 'bout ya. Do you think about me still?"_

He wishes that he weighs on Chris' mind the way Chris constantly weighs on his and that somehow there's a solution to all of the shit they've been dealing with. The song plays on and he drives faster despite the weather.

_"'...We'll go down this road 'til it turns from color to black and white. Or do you not think so far ahead? 'Cause I've been thinking 'bout forever..."_

Though he usually tries not to, he can't help thinking about whether or not Chris will be there for him in the future. He wants to bank on forever; he wants to fix this.

While he travels back toward Italy, he replays the song over and over with thoughts of coming home to Chris.

As day breaks, he reaches his hotel, parking the car in front and handing the keys in to the front desk. He apologizes for staying out all night but they assure him that it's not a big deal and he can have anything he wants.

Suddenly Mia's words run through his head, interrupting whatever peace he's found: 

_Why do you always want what you can't have?_

He chuckles darkly and thanks the hotel staff anyway. Then he heads back to his room, haunted by the taste of Mia's lips and his earlier conversation with Chris. 

He's about to try sleeping when he hears his phone ring. He looks at the screen and sees that it's Chris.

"Hey," Darren answers.

 _"Hi. I know I'm a jerk,"_ Chris starts. _"I really do want to be with you, not him."_

"I believe you. I want to be with you too," he admits. "This is so fucking hard, Chris."

 _"It's hard for me too."_ Chris swallows audibly. _"I-I swear I'm breaking up with him soon. We're in this together, for better or worse, remember? This happens to be the worst right now but we'll get through it."_

"How are you so optimistic?" He wonders, calm filling him at Chris' reiteration. "What changed?"

_"Nothing yet but I know it will. It has to. I realized I'd rather have you like this than not at all. Plus I hate fighting with you and knowing that I hurt you, that we hurt each other."_

"Soon we won't anymore, baby." He sighs and then continues, "I--I told her about how you and I are giving it a real shot."

 _"You did?"_ Chris asks hopefully.

Darren's heart swells with affection. "Mhmm. You told me to prove that I wanted to be with you and I'm doing that. When I said I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, I meant it. This is only the first step."

_"The first of many, Dare."_

"On both our parts," he reminds Chris.

_"Agreed."_

"So if we're gonna do this, we both have to change, okay?"

_"Yeah, I know."_

Darren thinks about how once this gets out, he'll look like he's been lying about his identity for years. What will this mean for his career and for all the work he's done for the LGBT community? He says he's willing to lose everything but is he really? Even further, could he live with wrecking Chris' career in the process? They'll be a tabloid story for months, if not years, while the shadow of rumors hangs over them. He can deny, confirm, or ignore it altogether but it'll always be there. Maybe he can handle it with Chris next to him.

"It's only going to get more difficult, isn't it, Chris?"

_"Probably, but I'll be here."_

"Good. I'm going to need you."

He doesn't know what obstacles lie on the road ahead but if Chris sticks by him, he's ready to face them.


End file.
